Bloody Prepositions

Prepositions. That bloody little part of speech creeps in to control a noun or pronoun, devising relationships among phrases. Before strutting the last hour of October upon the stage, I will pluck back the shrouds of scary movies to reveal how the use of prepositions can determine whether writing is formal or informal. One rips out prepositions by their very sinews while the other jams them in like a deadly stake plunged into a vampire’s heart. Turn on all the lights, smile, and read on—if you dare.

On the Slab in the Lab: Formal vs. Informal Writing

Formal writing is Brad and Janet before they enter the castle: clean, exact, professional. Naively or intentionally, formal writing survives on standard English, complex sentences, adherence to grammar rules, and precise punctuation. Business communications, academic papers, and Dr. Scott’s science research all live and die by formal writing.

Enter the castle of informal writing, sometimes garishly punk like Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s teddy or familiar like a witch’s cat or warlock’s toad in casual and personal tone. It struts about in stilettos of slang and contractions, dipping into colloquial and dialectical, if not diabolical, language.

Warning: To remain formal in writing is to use prepositions correctly, not simply as toys to torture the monster on the gurney. Nope!

Necessary “At”

As if political statements are not frightening enough, a U.S. Senator (whose identity will remain unrevealed) recently called for Americans to “look yourself in the mirror.” He heartlessly left the statement to fester and die from the lack of the preposition “at.” The proper exhortation is “look at yourself in the mirror.” And what mirror, sir? Surely not a black mirror or the Snow Queen’s mirror?!

Popular culture has transformed the frightened whisper in the dark “Where are you?” into “Where you at?” This proves that wearing a white hockey mask after Labor Day and/or ending a sentence with a preposition will not be the death of you (most of the time). However, tread carefully with this phrase! Use it judiciously, mostly when writing informal colloquial dialogue—at your own peril.

Sawed Off “Of”

A buzz saw through an arm chained to a radiator finds its equal in slashing the word “of” from between “couple” and a plural noun. Any about-to-be-next victim in the dark will scream about losing a “couple of friends” to the fiend in the forest or a “couple of fingers” to the witch in the cave or a “couple of toes” to the swamp monster under the muck. Only those muttering colloquial dialogue during the calm before the storm mutter “couple friends” or “couple fingers” or “couple toes.” No! Please! Don’t! Tear not the “of” away!

Beware, trick-or-treater… Inspect every treat in that “bag of candy” slung over your shoulder during your moonlit walk home. Check the condition of your “pair of pants” as you take your doomed shortcut through the cemetery. Don’t eliminate “of.” The coven sees all.

“On” the Day… or the Night

We will formally celebrate Halloween on Friday this year. Therefore, the neighborhood ghouls will formally celebrate Doorbell Night/Mischief Night/Cabbage Night after dark on Thursday. Vicious demons may try to eradicate the “on” before a day of the week in an adverbial phrase, but the spirits of the season will grant the right to do so only to those speaking or writing informally.

And so, my friends, call the book and repeat the Sanderson Sisters’ incantation:

Eye of newt and wing of bat! / Where your prepositions at?